Feel Like A Fool
Every guy that I have seriously liked
in the last 10 years
is married now.
All except two.
I feel like a fool.
Guy #1
seriously messed with
my heart and mind.
He would never admit it.
It took me almost 5 years
to get over him.
Everyone knew I should move on
but I was the last to know.
I thought he was so amazing.
I saw his passion and his
spiritual gifts
and I tried my best
to turn a blind eye
to his faults.
I have so many
of my own,
who am I
to judge another?
He called me
the Proverbs 31 woman.
How did he know
that is the woman
that I aspire to be?
He planned
my birthday party
when others dropped out.
He was the reliable one.
Most of the time
that was not the case.
But that time
he shined.
But he constantly
had me on a tightrope
and he constantly broke his word
and hurt me
over and over
and over.
Eventually, I didn't really want
to put myself out there
again.
Too many guys have
failed me.
It gets old.
Guy #1 eventually moved in
with one of my former best female friends.
Her and her husband.
Unusual, yes.
Eventually she left her husband
and then her and her husband just got divorced.
He tells me they
have a good friendship, healthy.
I know him too well to agree.
I am so glad I am over him
but sometimes,
still
even now
it can be akward.
I stopped letting him in
emotionally,
and stopped bending over backwards
for a guy
who never appreciated it.
Who never appreciated me.
I just wish we didn't have
so many mutual friends in common.
That is unfortunate.
And I feel like a fool.
I wasted so much time
on him
and he scarred me so.
Then there is Guy #2.
I thought he was so incredible.
I thought he was so talented.
I admired him so much,
and his boldness blew me away.
That is all still true.
It was nice for me
to see that good guys
still existed
and maybe there could be
hope.
But I made
two errors in judgment
and grace seemed to be elusive
or at the very least,
it seemed hidden.
I need to be respected
and I need consistent acknowledgement.
The world is not good at that
but I need my guy to be.
Also, I am confident
that he judged me
for several negative actions
that I never did.
Truth be told,
I really am not one
to run after a guy,
especially when I have been too hurt before
and it makes me cry.
I would hope
that he would know
my character better than that,
but, alas,
maybe not.
If he never asked me
and just assumed,
then who am I to point out
that his assumptions are wrong?
I want someone who has
more faith in me
than that.
Yet
I still wish
that he has faith left in me.
But
if that is true
then I need him to show it.
poem by Julie A Smith
Added by Poetry Lover
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