Go Ahead, Call Me A Pig, I’ve Heard Worse
(A narrative)
Met her at the seminar and asked her over for an
early dinner. I assured her my aim was not to get
into her pants. I said, “It would be too soon for
me.” I use that line all the time and they usually
buy it.
Showed her some poetry books, asked about her
childhood and her family. I don’t even remember
her answers. She showed me some pictures from
her wallet – her cousin or a friend or something,
I don’t remember.
I displayed confidence in the kitchen but not too
much, more like a world-weary confidence, as if
I’d been doing this chef thing for years, adding
pinches of things with an understated flourish,
displaying the requisite false modesty after I fed
her a sip of the sauce with the wooden spoon, with
my other hand palm-up underneath her chin - I
always like that nurturing, semi-intimate gesture -
and she swooned at the taste and hopefully at the
thought of a man who (supposedly) loved to cook.
I tried to agree with most of the things she said
over dinner, furrowing my brow and pursing my
lips when I wanted her to think she had made a
point worth pondering. I intentionally forgot to
light the candles so that she could do it as a small
act of taking care of me. I made sure to tell her
about some of my embarrassing moments that
never happened.
We went for a stroll in the park after dinner. I
wanted her to think I loved children. I pointed at
one and said, “Look at that cute kid.” Almost any
kid would have sufficed. The one I picked was
playing with a ball or a stick or something.
I sensed things were going well so it was time to
bring up my old girlfriend so that we could talk
about relationships. I looked for an opportunity.
When she said she liked country music, I lied that
my old girlfriend was a big country music fan.
She took the bait and asked what happened
between my old girlfriend and me. I didn’t say
anything for a few seconds so that she would
think I was getting deep and that I was going to be
straight with her. Then I acted winsome and
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poem by Michael Philips
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